What NOT to Do in a Relationship

No one sucks at relationships more than I do. 
The fact that I have such an awesome guy in my life right now is a result of a magical combination of luck, his ability to overlook what others might consider significant stumbling blocks, and alcohol.  Rohypnol may also have played a part. My abilities to navigate a relationship are akin to those of a pair of blind arm amputees in a bumper car rink.  I am going to give you a few examples of major judgment lapses that I have charged into full-speed, and I hope that you may learn from them and avoid some major head trauma. 

Fatal Error #1:  Accidentally mistaking YOUR life for a romantic comedy
Your brain has just made an excellent decision and told your feet to walk away from what is obviously a horrible disgusting disaster waiting to happen.  Then someone turns on the soundtrack from Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist, and you realize that your brain is a total knob and you should DEFINITELY  turn around, run into the waiting arms of your soul mate, and share a magical kiss that will undoubtedly lead to epic amounts of hand-holding and face-touching.  FAIL.  Get back to me 48 hours later when the lighting at Denny's at 3AM reminds you that the object of your dramatic embrace is a complete toad with $7 in his pocket which he will probably spend on Doritos and Red Bull, though a more appropriate use of his money might be a down-payment on a truckload of Noxema.  DAMN YOU, MICHAEL CERA!!!

Fatal Error #2:  Following Your Heart
Your heart is basically a useless retard and is made up of two parts.  Part one is actually your crotch pretending to be less creepy so that you will listen to it, kind of like that boy in your high school who wrote you vaguely sexual poems and "accidentally" grazed your boob while opening his locker.  That's what's you're listening to most of the time when you think you're "following your heart" and being all free-spirited and true to yourself.  Part two of your heart, which doesn't take over as often but is equally destructive, is just a part of your conscience that never fully formed to the point of being afforded valuable brain real estate. Under-developed and gimpy, the heart-part of your conscience only kicks in after you have made a fatal error but is too spastic to actually fix anything, so it just freaks out.  Not useful.  Good if you like midnight crying jags and random panic attacks, though.  Luckily I do! 

Fatal Error #3:  Expecting to be Accepted As Is
Maybe your mom taught you that you are just perfect exactly as you are.  I hate to talk trash about your mom, but she is a dirty filthy liar.  If you're like me, you not only rife with personality flaws, but most of them are easily changed with a little determination and self-discipline.  Looking for a relationship in which you are never expected to do any form of self-improvement is like trying to sell a house with a clause that the purchaser is never allowed to clean or maintain it in any way.  No one's buying it.  I'm not saying you need to be a different person to please some one, but working to change the things that NO ONE would EVER be attracted to is not going to affect your personal integrity.

That is literally everything I have learned in the past 10 years about interacting with the other humans. Following my advice will not exactly put your relationship in the all-star category, but it might help prevent you from some serious self-destruction.  Vaya Con Dios!