Mmmm..... Jewish Rye.

Jarett:  I never order toast at restaurants.
I can make my own toast for about four cents.

 me:  i love rye toast

 Jarett:  And it will taste a thousand time better.
And rye toast is the best, yes.

 me:  it's sooooo goooooddddd
it's hard to find a good marble rye around here though
We need a good jewish deli
those jews really know their bread

 Jarett:  Haha

 me:  and suffering.
Bread and suffering

 Jarett:  And its fun to ask them to make you a ham sandwich!

 me:  That's what they could name their deli!
Bread and Suffering!

 Jarett:  No, it should rhyme with "pain."
Grain And Suffering

P.S. When he sent me the link to that picture, I got really upset.  "How could someone else think of the same thing?!?!?! Is it possible that we are not as unique and hilarious as we think we are?" 

But he photoshopped it so all is well.  Our mental real estate is still prime, babies. At least Jarett's is.  I mean, really. "Bread and Suffering"?  Could I have missed a more obvious and hilarious cultural reference? 

Stop Treading on Me, Fitness Haters!

     Diet and excercise are obviously good things.  Doing these things is not anything spectacular, but there are two groups of people who clearly think that they are, and while they are opposite in many ways from each other, they are equally annoying, as they are really trying to communicate the same thing.

"Oh my God! You excercise!  I am soooo jealous! I could never do that!"
     People who say this behave as though putting on a pair of sneakers and walking around the block is some extreme sport requiring a large portion of God-given talent.  I suppose tying double-knots can be tricky, but there is always velcro. I think what these people are really saying is "I'm going to pretend that your paltry amount of physical fitness time is a big deal so that I won't feel badly about never excercising at all.  After all, we're not all Superman!"

"You excercise too much. You look anoretic. It's not healthy to be that skinny." 
     I can understand this kind of reaction to a person with an ACTUAL eating disorder, but my BMI is actually on the high end of average.  On a good week, I excercise for maybe two hours total. On a bad week, I don't work out at all, and have been known to eat Nutella out of the jar with a big wooden spoon. That barely qualifies as an extreme health regimen.   What these people are really saying is "I shall accuse you of an outrageous and unhealthy fitness routine, calling into question your priorities in life, thereby establishing myself as the superior being. My life is so frought with meaning that I laugh at your time spent developing cardiovascular fortitude and chopping vegetables.  I feel sad for you."

    If you know the secret to actually becoming overly extreme with fitness and sticking to it, please clue me in.  Otherwise, please stop trying to discourage me from what meager attempt I am making.  Also, if you know a good place where I can buy Nutella in bulk, that would really help me out.

New Friend

Are you lonely and sad? Do you spend hours practicing ventriloquism so you can have someone to talk to?  

Are the only two numbers in your phone's contact list "#MINS" and "Fast Wok"?  

That used to be me too. Well, not really.  That's just pathetic.  I did, however, recently find myself in a situation where I needed to make a complete new set of intimate acquaintances.  This led to the development of a fool-proof system to make and keep friends!  The complete set of 13 DVDs and 9 leatherbound volumes can now be yours for only $199.99 + shipping!  (Shipping cost ranges from $149-699 based on location.)

Guess what, New Friend!  Order today and you'll get that free travel mug to use as you rush out to your many adventures with the awesome new entourage my system will yield for you!

And they will!!!!

Right now you're thinking: "But that sounds too good to be true! Last time I made friends, it cost me ten times that, and I didn't even get a complimentary travel mug!"

If you are thinking that, then join me in a visualization exercise:

Imagine yourself on a serene tropical beach. The white soft sand is warm under your feet, and a gentle ocean breeze blows through your hair. What's that sound? Ah, it's a distant horn from a passing ship.

All around you there is the pleasing white noise of the surf and the scent of tanning oil and sea salt,

hearkening back to the days of childhood.

Now I walk up to you. Is that a pina colada in my hand? Am I extending it to you?

NO! I'M HERE TO THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR THINKING THIS AWESOME DEAL IS "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!"

YOU GET A FACE FULL OF MY FROZEN ISLAND BEVERAGE!

For those of you who still have lingering doubts about my system's "legitimacy", I encourage you to try the following tips, exclusive to blog-readers and totally free of charge!!!!!

1. Give your prospective soul mate a try-out.  Everyone loves a chance to be evaluated!  A midnight visit to his or her home while you sob uncontrollably is often a fine litmus test, an opportunity for the candidate to demonstrate both emotional fortitude and physical stamina. The less intelligible your ramblings, the better.  Add to the fun and excitement by "accidentally" dropping several empty prescription bottles from your purse, or perhaps lighting something on fire. 
2. Walk a mile in her shoes.  This can be as easy as sleeping with her boyfriend or kidnapping a few of her children for a week or so.  If your prospect is a male, achieving empathy can be as simple as replicating a few of his outfits in exhaustive detail and wearing them when you two go out together.  All of these gestures showcase your personal devotion as well as how far you are willing to go to TRULY understand the other person.  Who wouldn't respond positively to that?
3. Never say never.  So it seems that the two of you are not getting along so well and quite possibly you have nothing in common.  Maybe the monthly pledge you make to National Public Radio clashes with his Confederate flag tattoo.  Don't give up!  Forcing a continued friendship with someone who hates everything about you is perhaps the BEST way to prove that you are in it in win it. Some of my most satisfying relationships are held together, not with shared interests and knowing glances, but with mutual hostility and leg irons.  

You're welcome.

I know, I know, you're feeling unworthy of all of this.  The travel mug, the free pearls of wisdom--what did you do to deserve such favor?  But there's more.

Take a moment to peruse just a sampling of the topics and techniques you can become fluent in by the end of the 36-week introductory period:

• Personality Mirroring and You
• Nurturing a Sense of Obligation
• The Facebook Ninja
• How to Choose the Right Inappropriately Expensive Gift
• "If you hang up, I will kill myself!!!" and other Hilarious Quips

The knowledge contained in these volumes and instructional videos REALLY changes lives.  It can change yours too, but you don't have to take my word for it.  See celebrity commentary here.  

So you see? The evidence is there. The testimony is there.  The solution to your pitiful friendless state is just a phone call away!  Call now! 

The Moist Mistake

     I was recently asked a question regarding unspoken codes that must be followed in order to live in civilization.

     Specifically, the query addressed how to handle a situation in which you know a hug is expected, even demanded by societal conventions, but you are perspiring to a point that you consider yourself to be offensive.

    I will address this issue and many others for your pleasure and to protect you from sweat-related social pariah-dom.

Factors to consider:

1. Why?  Stress?  Heat? Exercise? The cause of the seepage has a drastic impact on the level of acceptance you should expect from those around you.  It's totally okay to be drenched if you just finished a rousing game of rugby.  Having dirt and grass stains all over you helps, too.  On the other hand, if you are in an elevator that you entered completely dry, and by the 4th floor your forehead is bejeweled with beads of nervousness, that is no good. 
2. Where?  Point of origin is key here. (Only applicable if the cause of the perspiration is NOT exercise, in which case all is well. See above.)  A person who is otherwise dry and fresh may flag down a taxi to reveal an unexpected underarm situation.  Even worse is random cranial excretions, as they often result in much swabbing with napkins or paper towels, and this is just across the board disgusting.  Go to the men's room and splash come cold water on your face. Make this end. 
3. Who?  I don't make the rules, I just follow them. That being said, if you are good looking and relatively fit, society will go much easier on you here than if you are morbidly obese or otherwise unpleasant to look upon.  For the latter, it is generally assumed that your perspiration is somehow related to your body type, and whether it is true or not, opinions are formed. Stigmas are attached.  Stereotypes are reinforced. Even if you saw a sweaty overweight person on The Biggest Loser, running a marathon, about to cross the finish line, you'd still think they were sweating because they are fat.  THEY ARE RUNNING A FREAKING MARATHON!. Anyone would be sweaty. But like I said, I don't make the rules.

Another thing to keep in mind when you ARE all damp and the situation DOES call for socially required human contact: Please, PLEASE do not verbalize your predicament. It makes everyone so much more uncomfortable. (Again, this does not apply to exercise or sports-related situations.)  There should be no  advance-apologies such as "I would love to hug you but my back is soaking wet," or the dreaded "I'd shake your hand, but my palms are all sweaty." NO. Just do the handshake or the hug and let the chips fall where they may. The average person will be much more forgiving of a slightly damp handshake than they will of your embarrassing personal confession.

There's always the possibility that this is all just me, but I doubt it.  If it is just me, then please follow these rules when you are around me, and we will all get along just fine.