Please read before attending any concert-type live music event that I may also be attending

     I love concerts. I've been to some really good ones this year.  My favorite was Ludo, but there were a lot of other really great ones.  If you've been to one with me, you know that for about 8 weeks afterward, I repeatedly reflect on the intense inner joy I felt during the (this is one of my favorite buzz phrases) COMMUNAL EXPERIENCE of concert going.   Small venues, lots of people, and good times had by all.  So very kumbaya.

    Just as being part of a real geographical community carries certain responsibilities, so also does membership in the sacred, albeit it temporary, rock concert community.  Also as with a real community,  flout the rules and you will get owned by those forced to share your space.

1. Obey the Band.  If they tell you to sing along, then sing.  If they tell you to stand up and dance, then do it.  If the planets align and you have the good fortune of being specifically instructed by professional musicians to air hump in unison, then please, PLEASE do it.  To refuse is not only insulting to the band, but it tells those around you that you think they basically suck at life.  (Note:  During the opening bands, do exactly the opposite of this rule.)
2. Keep public displays of affection to a minimum.  Since showing affection to your significant other is not vital for life, "a minimum" means "none".  So yeah. Keep the public displays of affection to none.  No one cares that you have a girl friend.  You can make kissy faces and put your hands in each others' pockets at home.  It's even more annoying when it's the girl hanging all over the guy as if seeking his masculine protection.  Do you think we are all here with the express purpose of hitting on you or maybe trying to molest you in some way? Get over yourself. It's really an easy rule to remember.  Whenever you wonder "Is this too much public affection for a concert?" just remember "None."  If the amount of affection in question is "none" affection, then you are clear.
3. You will be touched.  They design small venues in a specific way. Technically there's enough floor space in the building so that the fire code allows for 1,500 occupants, but the layout is constructed so that all 1,500 of us are forced into the 600 square feet directly in front of the stage.  It's based on the scientific principle that enjoyment increases as personal space decreases.  We have no choice.  The dirty looks and exasperated sighs you broadcast every time someone's body makes any contact with yours are both unwelcome and useless.  Oh,  you don't like that my elbow touched your sleeve?  I'm so sorry.  Please allow me to back up into the miles of open space all around me on all other sides. While I'm at it, why don't I just go out to the car and listen to the cd instead? 
4. If an audience is like a neighborhood, holding a huge sign above your head during the show is the equivalent of teaching your dog to poop on everyone's roses.  We all spent money on our tickets.  Most likely they were purchased way in advance and with much fanfare.  We chose our outfits days beforehand and with care.  We hydrated.  We stretched.  We drove for hours and spent our car insurance money on a hotel room.  YOU made a huge sign and held it up at face level through the entire performance.  The end.

There are more suggested practices and actions to be avoided (shouting out "Freebird!", putting your beer on the stage, taking someone's spot when they go to the bathroom), but they are largely flexible based on alcohol consumption, whereas the previous five are rigid and unflinching.  Oh--except when they play Go-Getter Greg.   Then all bets are off.