Please read before attending any concert-type live music event that I may also be attending

     I love concerts. I've been to some really good ones this year.  My favorite was Ludo, but there were a lot of other really great ones.  If you've been to one with me, you know that for about 8 weeks afterward, I repeatedly reflect on the intense inner joy I felt during the (this is one of my favorite buzz phrases) COMMUNAL EXPERIENCE of concert going.   Small venues, lots of people, and good times had by all.  So very kumbaya.

    Just as being part of a real geographical community carries certain responsibilities, so also does membership in the sacred, albeit it temporary, rock concert community.  Also as with a real community,  flout the rules and you will get owned by those forced to share your space.

1. Obey the Band.  If they tell you to sing along, then sing.  If they tell you to stand up and dance, then do it.  If the planets align and you have the good fortune of being specifically instructed by professional musicians to air hump in unison, then please, PLEASE do it.  To refuse is not only insulting to the band, but it tells those around you that you think they basically suck at life.  (Note:  During the opening bands, do exactly the opposite of this rule.)
2. Keep public displays of affection to a minimum.  Since showing affection to your significant other is not vital for life, "a minimum" means "none".  So yeah. Keep the public displays of affection to none.  No one cares that you have a girl friend.  You can make kissy faces and put your hands in each others' pockets at home.  It's even more annoying when it's the girl hanging all over the guy as if seeking his masculine protection.  Do you think we are all here with the express purpose of hitting on you or maybe trying to molest you in some way? Get over yourself. It's really an easy rule to remember.  Whenever you wonder "Is this too much public affection for a concert?" just remember "None."  If the amount of affection in question is "none" affection, then you are clear.
3. You will be touched.  They design small venues in a specific way. Technically there's enough floor space in the building so that the fire code allows for 1,500 occupants, but the layout is constructed so that all 1,500 of us are forced into the 600 square feet directly in front of the stage.  It's based on the scientific principle that enjoyment increases as personal space decreases.  We have no choice.  The dirty looks and exasperated sighs you broadcast every time someone's body makes any contact with yours are both unwelcome and useless.  Oh,  you don't like that my elbow touched your sleeve?  I'm so sorry.  Please allow me to back up into the miles of open space all around me on all other sides. While I'm at it, why don't I just go out to the car and listen to the cd instead? 
4. If an audience is like a neighborhood, holding a huge sign above your head during the show is the equivalent of teaching your dog to poop on everyone's roses.  We all spent money on our tickets.  Most likely they were purchased way in advance and with much fanfare.  We chose our outfits days beforehand and with care.  We hydrated.  We stretched.  We drove for hours and spent our car insurance money on a hotel room.  YOU made a huge sign and held it up at face level through the entire performance.  The end.

There are more suggested practices and actions to be avoided (shouting out "Freebird!", putting your beer on the stage, taking someone's spot when they go to the bathroom), but they are largely flexible based on alcohol consumption, whereas the previous five are rigid and unflinching.  Oh--except when they play Go-Getter Greg.   Then all bets are off. 

Epic Bangover

It is a day of recovery and reflection....and nursing an epic bangover. For those who don't know, the bangover is what follows a night of heavy, face-melting, ear-ringing, sweaty band practice, performance, or attendance at the sweaty performance of another heavy, face-melting, ear-ringing punk band. It is both beautiful and painful, not as debilitating as a hangover, but waaaaaay cooler.

My rockstar-calibur symptoms include ringing ears, salty sweaty hair, scraped knees, dirty fingernails, hands and thighs bruised and swollen from the crash of the tambourine, vocal chords that sound like they are full of gravel, and of course a neck that is so sore I can barely hold my head up. The neck symptom is of course the one inspiring the name of the syndrome--head banging leads to the bangover.

(Tambourine leg)

All of the other effects I can handle, but the neck.....this is not cool. I have tried several strategies to deal with it, and none are working. Here is a short list of what I have tried thus far, so you know never to waste your own time or money on such futile remedies.

1) Ice Pack

Ice is so fail. It does nothing. The only thing it has going for it is a temporary numbing factor, but since this disappears instantaneously the second you move it from the affected area, it is basically useless. Also, my neck is ROUND, so while one section is blissfully and temporarily numb, the rest is still in pain, not to mention the fact that it's use precludes any sort of movement. So unless you have a square neck and all day to lie around motionless, I say put the ice pack in the beer cooler where it can do some good.

2) Icy Hot Patch

I don't even know where to begin with this one. In the hour I had it on, it was neither icy to dull the pain nor hot to relax it away. More accurately, the slogan should be "Not quite sticky enough to stay in place, but just sticky enough to make you feel like you have a cold dead hand on the back of your neck." Maybe they wouldn't sell as many, but at least it would be honest.

3) Advil

Ah, trusty Advil. I love your candy-coated deliciousness and pain-relieving action for the occasional tooth ache or menstrual cramp, but you are woefully inadequate as a bangover remedy. It was like using a Flinstone Vitamin as birth control--it won't hurt you, but it won't help you either, and to use it for that purpose is just fooling yourself. Also counting against the Advil was that I had to go to CVS to purchase it, where I was hit on by some skinhead in a PCP rage.

I could take some leftover Percocet from having my tooth pulled, but that WOULD give me a hangover, and then I would have a hangover AND a bangover. I'm not prepared to deal with that. Instead I will coddle my bangover, put my sweaty dirty ripped jeans from last night back on, go to Starbucks, and try not to think about how much I want another one.