The Pregnant Dog Phenomenon and some other stuff like it

You wanted a whole post about the animal nipples, and I cannot say that I blame you.  That is a hilarious topic.  Since I am pretty sure that it will not support an entire post, especially since the you already have the basic idea of the animal nipple situation based on yesterday's excerpt from my chat with Jarett, I shall expound on it a bit and tell you a few other things that make me feel very weird and paranoid for no reason.

You-Know-What

 

I feel guilty even posting that picture.  Please do not think that I get my kicks watching puppies suckling.  My original thought was to post a picture of a pregnant dog so that I could accurately convey my message, but I felt like a creeper google imaging that, so instead it just looks like I have some sort of problem with adorable puppies.  The point is that I KNOW WHAT THE PUPPIES ARE HIDING, which is namely weird mother dog nipples.  Whenever such things are near to me, which thankfully is not often, I tend to pretend something else fascinating suddenly caught my attention, so as not to seem unduly mesmerized by the unavoidable spectacle of animal teats placed before me.  

Innocent Friend:  "Look Chloe!  The dog just had puppies!"

Me: "Did you guys notice how smooth this wallpaper is?  It's like glass! But it's paper!"

Ignoring Someone's Call

Let me preface this by saying that if we are friends and I call you and text you regularly, I probably have never ignored you when you called me.  In fact, I was probably so happy that you were calling that I dropped my phone about ten times in the excitement and practically drove off the side of the road trying to answer.  I'm cool like that.

No, the people who's calls I ignore are the ones who I either never want to talk to or I find it tiring to talk to.  Usually, if not always, these people also live hundreds or even thousands of miles away.  This fact somehow does not stop my brain from telling my nerves that, because I looked at my phone, hit the "END" button, and put it back down, the caller is suddenly, not at the opposite end of the country, but in the car next to me at the light.  I picture a surprise visitor, just flown in and waving enthusiastically through the car window while waiting for me to pick up. Their waving slows down and their smile contorts into a horrible grimace as they watch me ignore them, willfully, almost with pleasure. 

Even being within the confines of my home does not prevent me from feeling this instant paranoia/guilt.  Are you at my front door?  Can you see through my walls?  ARE YOU ALREADY IN THE HOUSE?  Oh yeah, no.  You are in A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.  Fail.

We Need to Talk.....Later

This is the most terrifying thing you can say to me.  Worst case scenario, the reason you are saying this is that you personally are bothered by something and you would like to share that with me in a traumatic fashion.  The slow torturous conversation that you have in mind will not fit into your currently available time, but you want me to know that it is coming. When? How? Why? These are questions best answered randomly and according to your discretion.  What we do know for sure is that I have been robbed of my ability to blithely go about my day, and instead I shall spend the next however-many-hours-you-see-fit crapping a brick and mentally replaying every moment in our relationship to see where I went wrong and what egg of displeasure you are about to crack on me.

Best case scenario, you do not understand the proper use of this phraseology and just want my recipe for cupcakes or to tell me how my new throw pillows brightened your day.  Either way, screw you.  If you have something to say, say it.

It will bring me great comfort if at least one of you comments that one or all three of these phenomena are familiar to you, but I doubt it.  I'm sure that all of this can be traced back to some childhood dysfunction, but this is not an episode of Mad About You, so let's just not analyze it. 

(::::::)

Okay so I know I stopped writing my blog, but you guys check it out. Today I was chatting with new friend and here's a snippet:

me: yeah animal teats disturb me greatly


Jarett: Haha

me: i avoid visual contact with them at all costs

Jarett: Yes.  Especially like, a week after a dog gives birth.  And they like, drag on the ground.
And the dog seems to not even notice.
 
me:  I just avoid looking because i think people will accuse me of being some sort of pervert.

"ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT DOG'S NIPPLES????"
"THE ONES THAT LOOK PAINFULLY DISTENDED?"

Jarett: "YOU MUST BE A FURRY!"  Then they hold up a cross at you.

me: Hahahahah right. Not writing my blog is making me say a lot of things in normal chat that should not be said.  I think I'll write a post about this.  
 
Okay. I got a piece of paper and wrote: "animal titties".  Where have I gone wrong in life?

Jarett: I would hide that paper if I were you.

me: I am a person who writes "animal titties" on a scrap of paper and puts it in my purse for safe keeping!
 
Jarett: Bahahaha. Get going on that post.   You should definitely title it: (::::)
 
So as you can see, it is going to be impossible for me to NOT write my blog.  I realize that most of the humor in this post came from Jarett, but I promise to be more independant in the next one. 
 
P.S. That emoticon for a pregnant dog was Allie's idea in this post on Hyperbole and a Half. 

Announcement

Hello to all 16 of you who follow my blog.  I really appreciate it.  I love you guys. 

Lately reactions to the blog have been causing me more grief than it's worth, so I'm going to stop doing it.

That's the announcement.

If you still want to talk to me and have interesting conversations about stuff that's happening with you, I hope we can be friends in real life.

Chloe

The Joys and Sorrows of Being Friends with Boys

Over the years I have learned that I have certain limitations when it comes to friendship.  That is to say, I can't deal with drama and have trouble tip-toing around people and their little quirks and insecurities.  As a side point, I am rife with quirks, insecurities and drama, and I require that people deal with me.  That reduces my friend choices drastically to 1) an interesting and awesome subset of rare females and 2) almost every male on the planet.

It's not as if I think this is okay.  I'm trying to work on my flaws so that some day all the peoples of the world will want to be my best friend, but that is a slow process, and until then I need people to listen to my crap.  Don't take it the wrong way--I love listening to their crap as well, but it seems like everyone has their crap much more together than I do.  Which leaves me the one doling out the majority of the crap. CRAP.

The females who manage to put up with me to the point of the closeness of sisters are truly to be applauded for their fortitude.  I have most likely been mean to them, tried to make out with them, made horrible jokes at their expense, and cried for extended periods of time on the phone with them while they were trying to get some sleep. 

For you boys, I have mixed feelings.  I thought it might help to make a brief list of pros and cons.  If cons win, you can pack your bags.

Cons:

1. You talk about what just happened in the bathroom.  That's no good.  I despise any mention of bowel movements.  You talk about them ALL THE TIME. You talk to each other about the size. the shape, the frequency. This makes me die on the inside.  Who can find you attractive when you speak of such things?
2. You quote South Park AD NAUSEUM. I like that show, too, but it's almost as if you purposely choose the most unattractive dialogue of the show to repeat over and over.  Please stop. It makes me unattracted to you as a group.
3. You are really, really terrible at cleaning up.  I know for sure because I've asked you to do this on many occasions, and each time you made the mess worse.  How, I don't know.  But you did. You suck at cleaning up.
4. I'm constantly terrified that you will find someone you like better than me.  Who needs Cuppycake when you find someone hotter and smarter that you can also make out with? 

Pros:

1. My crazy behavior often goes un noticed by you, as you are busy focusing on maybe my butt or whether you can see my nipples through my top.  What's even better is when one of my special unterus-possessing friends is present, in which case I can act completely insane because there are twice as many tops to look down and thighs to ogle.  I think that if the Unibomber had boobs, society would have been inclined to overlook things, chalking it up to the stress of being so awesome.
2. Most women enter the home of another woman and start taking dilligent notes of their surroundings, estimating when last the ceiling fans were dusted and mentally rearranging the furniture.  I can depend on you guys never notice such mundane details.  I could drag all my furniture to the center of the living room and light it on fire, then sprinkle the contents of the cat box to and fro throughout the rest of my home, and but since neither of these activities interfere with drinking beer or playing video games, you wouln't say a word in judgment. 
3. You are cute and often adorable to look upon. This especially applies when you are angry about something that really you shouldn't be angry about, perhaps some perceived injustice such as the Yankees sweeping the Sox, or maybe you spilled your beer or got pee on your shorts. 
4. Very little mental effort is involved in our relationships.  The emotional exhertion normally necessary in a female friendship is replaced by the occasional physical laor of baking cupcakes or doing your laundry.  These tasks are much more manageable than attempting to successfully navigate the estrogen-laden social obstacle course of a baby shower or "girls' night" on the town.  I choose cupcakes!

So I guess we are at a stalemate.  But come to think of it, who the hell cares how bad you are at cleaning up?  I can do my own freaking dishes.