Things I Wish Would Go the Way of the DoDo

Why does the rest of humanity insist on continuing to do, produce, and own things that I really do not care for? If I could have it my way, here are a few choice items that would be blown off the face of the earth. (I'm going to try to choose things that I personally hate but are not already on every rant blog on the internet. It goes without saying that fanny packs, Planet Hollywood tee shirts, and terrorists are blights on humanity. No need to beat a dead horse by mentioning them here.)

1) Shiny Shorts For clarification, I am talking about shorts common to athletes, sometimes called basketball shorts. They are shiny and sometimes have these little tiny holes in them everywhere like chain maille from the future. I guess it's okay when actual athletes are outfitted with them as part of uniform. My problem is that most guys who wear them are not within miles of a sporting event geographically or a hundred pounds of professional athletics physically. Look down and you will see, not rippling calf muscles and Air Jordans, but pale man-canckles and black rubber Adidas flip flops. Looking up is no picnic either. The flabby torso in an oversized tee shirt and the unshaven-but-not-in-a-hot-way face are dead give-aways that the shorts are worn expressly for their easy access properties. Gross.

2) The Olive Garden Commercials for the Olive Garden make all women look like door to door Avon ladies from the 1970s. The same women who they hire to toss their silk scarves to the wind in Enterprise Rent-a-Car ads are seen extolling the stress-relieving powers of unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks. Throw a vaguely ethnic waiter into the mix and you have an ad campaign that takes a dump in the lap of every normal, non-polyester-pants-suit-clad female in America. I could tolerate the commercials if the food was like, spectacular or something, but I would rather eat the sole of Mussolini's 18-hole leather riding boot than any of the abysmal creations purportedly concocted by Marissa Tomei on her adventures through the mother land. Salt, fat, cheese, and oregano are layered to create a flavor sensation that appeals to the absolute lowest common denominator. I'm sorry, but just adding the letter "o" or "a" to the end of a name does not make it authentically Eye-Talian.

3) Mayonnaise I have one question for the inventor of mayonnaise: WHY??????? This crap is absolutely disgusting, both in consistency and flavor. What does it actually taste like? Does anyone know? No, you don't know, and do you know WHY you do not know? Because even people who use it regularly would never be able to muscle down a spoon full of the stuff straight from the jar. Have you ever seen dried mayonnaise? Were you to find it in your expensive hotel suite, you would run screaming to housekeeping and demand a new room on a different floor at the opposite end of the premises. Anything that congeals should automatically be precluded from the list of items you put on your sandwich. To add insult to injury, we have come up with a whole horror show of mayonnaise-based substances to eat in small confined spaces and inflict on our coworkers and loved ones. Have you ever SMELLED egg salad or tuna salad? Forget smelling, forget tasting--Have you ever LISTENED to yourself as you ate these things? Mayonnaise is an all-in-one attack on the senses and must be destroyed.

4) Vagisil Commercials It happens to the best of us: You're sitting with your friends watching a show specifically selected to impress upon them your good taste and depth, and suddenly an unrealistically attractive female is on the screen calmly discussing how she copes with that "not-so-fresh feeling." As a female myself with a vagina of my own, I want to tell everyone in the room that I have no idea what the woman is talking about. Itching? Odor? Discharge? WHO IS HAVING THESE EXPERIENCES???? I feel like I have been around the gynecological block a time or two, and at no juncture did I ever think to myself "Hey, I could really benefit from some Vagisil right now." To be clear for the men out there, Vagisil is not for the treatment of a specific ailment, such as a yeast infection. Okay, that happens. It is also not for cleansing purposes, which is totally a legitimate reason to purchase a product. From the best I can piece together, it's something like mayonnaise, but for your genitals. It's greasy and disgusting, and it doesn't actually improve anything, just covers up further unpleasantness.

5) Coupons Recently I was stuck in the grocery line behind a lady who had about 12 items. She was wearing a green home-made moo-moo. It is noteworthy that the thing is home-made because the way she made it at her home involved no actual seams, but rather taking one long sheet of iridescent green material, folding it in half, cutting a head hole in the fold, and tacking the sides together with safety pins. I have a picture of this that I totally took with my phone because I'm a ninja like that.

Anyway so while I was busy staring at at all her side boob and rolls of fat clearly visible from the sides of her "outfit", she whips out like a million coupons. The problem was not so much the coupons themselves but the sense of entitlement and air of superiority that accompanied their transfer from purse to cashier. Ironically, this whole display stripped her of any remaining modicum of dignity she had left after putting on that house dress. I'm all for saving a few bucks, but self-respect is priceless. Okay maybe it's not coupons I want blown into oblivion but that lady. Whatever. You get the picture.

A list like this can go on forever. I'm really not full of hate. Maybe tomorrow I will talk about some of the things I love with a white hot passion. Any suggestions?