My Underwear Drawer is Out of Control!

I am so on drugs right now. If I could get a hold of whatever they give bulls to cure them of erectile dysfunction, I'm fairly certain that I might be able to inject it directly into your heart and you could have a faint idea of how high I am right now. Apparently it's fairly common when you run so much that all your adrenaline is released at once. Unfortunately I stopped running two hours ago and I'm still bouncing off the walls.

Despite the fact that my entire house is pretty much destroyed, I have decided to focus all my energies on cleaning out my underwear drawer. I do this sometimes when I have a lot of work to do, enough energy and time to do it, but for some reason I would rather die than run a vacuum over the carpet. This is why my spice cabinet is clean and organized, while my bedroom looks like a bunch of frat boys just finished performing some sort of primitive hazing ritual.

The underwear drawer was chosen for a specific reason. This morning when I opened it to get some unders, I noticed that 95% of the space is taken up by things other than bras and panties. Why do these things deserve such a coveted location as their home? I shall now break down for you what I find and we can work through this together.


WARNING: To all potential pervs who are currently getting all on the edge of your seats, I must say you will be disappointed. Vibrating dildos, multi-colored condoms, and various other personal products will not be coming into play in this post. It's not that I'm omitting them, it's just that I do not keep these things in my underwear drawer. I have a secret fear that my mom will need to borrow socks on one of her many visits to my home, and I will be in for a very awkward situation that will inevitably make matricide the only option. Also, things leak, and my underwear are expensive.

1. Bras, Panties, and Socks from THIS Century I figure I should start with the most obvious, though also the least substantial, portion of my drawer's contents. This is stuff that qualifies in the "underwear" category and that I will potentially wear as such at some point in my future.
2. The Old'ns Sometimes instead of throwing away the ancient, disgusting relics of my under-wardrobe, I leave them in the bottom of the drawer to disintegrate. If we're being honest, the real reason they are still here is that I know one day I will be too busy rearranging the medicine cabinet to do the piles of laundry in the hamper, and these oldies and no-longer-goodies will be my only option. When I have to wear these atrocities, I drive very carefully and spend actual time thinking about what I will do if I have a heart attack and the doctor on call in the emergency room is attractive.
3. The Random Support or Modesty Garment I cannot provide a fully satisfactory explanation for the presence of these items in my life. Apparently what went down was a moment of body-related insecurity combined with a rare social event that required a special outfit. One example is the absolute ugliest one-piece body suit that I bought to wear under my dress for my grandfather's wedding. Why do I own this????? Had I just given birth to twins and forgotten about it? Also I have several slips. Why? How many translucent skirts do I own? Do I spend a great deal of my time standing, legs apart, directly in front of the sun?
   
4. The Gift-with-Purchase Sachet of Potpurri This makes me sad. It's a silk bag the size of a tennis ball full of scented wood chips. I have entrusted this item with de-funkifying a metric ton of mostly unidentified garments and random debris in varying stages of cleanliness and decomposition. This particular one I got free with a second-hand skirt I bought online in 2004. Why do I not smell pretty????

6. Random Stuff in Envelopes You know you're an important piece of paper if you're in the underwear drawer. Maybe you're not worth taking down the fire box, unlockinng it, and putting it back on the shelf, but I sure don't want you to get lost. Today I have Dave Matthews Band tickets for a few months from now, Paramore tickets for a little after that, a Better than Ezra fan club pass that expired in 2007, and a library card. Apparently the panty drawer is the "cultural center" of the dresser. Arts and entertainment related items can find a good home here!
7. Many Much Bathing Suits I have absolutely no idea where I got all these swimsuits.
For the most part, I have never worn them and don't remember purchasing them. I just know that they account for about 70% of the volume in the drawer and I always get excited thinking I found a bra but it turns out to be a bathing suit top.

In addition to those main categories, I also found two unopened packages of post-its, electric guitar strings, a latex-free fingertip bandage, 81 cents in change, a greeting card with a picture of a petting zoo on it, three sewing needles, an Icy Hot patch, and my grandmother's wedding ring. The fact that the wedding ring is nestled between the band-aid and the post-its shall haunt me with guilt for the rest of the evening, but I will not move it to a new, more prestigious location. The post-its and the fingertip bandage are a part of me now. It's what Nana would have wanted.

UPDATE: Just to be clear, when I was finished with this post last night, I just stuffed everything back into the drawer and returned it to the dresser. This morning when I needed underwear, I was once again pawing through bathing suits and concert tickets and finally settled on going commando.