I love you, Self-Loathing

While I was getting ready to write this post, I tossed my boss' laundry into his dryer, which is from the future and has a "play/pause" button like on my car stereo. After a good deal of staring, I noticed that there is a setting called "Air Dry". I found this completely confusing.

Anyway, like I was saying, I really think high self-esteem is over rated. Think of all the wonderful things self-loathing has helped to accomplish!

1. The Lower Back Tattoo Nothing says "I can't disappoint my parents any more than I already have" like a tramp stamp. This is a person who does NOT want her face to be the thing you remember and who anticipates that you will rather not make eye contact with her while having sex. Obviously I think it's super hot and want one. Badly. Badly I want one.
2. The 24-Hour Health Club The members of a 24-hour gym are basically telling the world that even if their lives became so full of meaningful and value-added activities that it left only the 2:45am-3:30am time slot open for excercise, they would do it anyway, because they hate their bodies. Maybe someone with good self-esteem would say "Hey, I accomplished so much important stuff today that maybe it's OKAY for me to not work out." That person would be sadly mistaken.
3. The Food Court This is the most naked and openly exposed expression of low self-esteem on the list so far. Eating in the food court (especially by yourself) is a sign to the rest of the world that you have essentially given up. As a metaphor for life: There are plenty of choices I could make, but they would all be either mediochre or give me diarrhea. The people around me are unknown to me, but most likely the group includes at least eighteen convicted sex offenders. On the bright side, you get to use one of those red trays that remind you of elementary school, and the bathroom is like, right there.
4. Speed Dating Without even looking in my Rolodex, I can easily list at least a dozen people I know who met their full personality potential within 7 minutes after I met them. That is why they are in the Rolodex and not in my phone. Their only saving grace is that they don't KNOW that they are uninteresting. Speed dating is essentially a bunch of people getting together with the full knowledge that they don't have enough intellectual stimulation to offer another person to even make it to the entree, and that is just sad. Personally, the appetizer and cocktail are my favorite parts of the meal, so sign me up. I mean, the speed date is essentially the face-to-face version of a blog anyway.....
5. The Blog...sigh.... Maybe this doesn't apply to EVERY person who writes one, but for me each post is like a little strip of meat that I cut out of my thigh, pushed a hook through, and dangled in the waters of the interwebs. Like the Facebook post with no "Like"s, the blog with no followers is real confirmation of what you thought all along--no one wants to here what you have to say. So what if "what you have to say" is trite, poorly-spelled, or alienates half the population whose virtual approval you are hoping to win? You all know you love chomping my thigh anyway.....OMNOMNOMNOM!