Stop Treading on Me, Fitness Haters!

     Diet and excercise are obviously good things.  Doing these things is not anything spectacular, but there are two groups of people who clearly think that they are, and while they are opposite in many ways from each other, they are equally annoying, as they are really trying to communicate the same thing.

"Oh my God! You excercise!  I am soooo jealous! I could never do that!"
     People who say this behave as though putting on a pair of sneakers and walking around the block is some extreme sport requiring a large portion of God-given talent.  I suppose tying double-knots can be tricky, but there is always velcro. I think what these people are really saying is "I'm going to pretend that your paltry amount of physical fitness time is a big deal so that I won't feel badly about never excercising at all.  After all, we're not all Superman!"

"You excercise too much. You look anoretic. It's not healthy to be that skinny." 
     I can understand this kind of reaction to a person with an ACTUAL eating disorder, but my BMI is actually on the high end of average.  On a good week, I excercise for maybe two hours total. On a bad week, I don't work out at all, and have been known to eat Nutella out of the jar with a big wooden spoon. That barely qualifies as an extreme health regimen.   What these people are really saying is "I shall accuse you of an outrageous and unhealthy fitness routine, calling into question your priorities in life, thereby establishing myself as the superior being. My life is so frought with meaning that I laugh at your time spent developing cardiovascular fortitude and chopping vegetables.  I feel sad for you."

    If you know the secret to actually becoming overly extreme with fitness and sticking to it, please clue me in.  Otherwise, please stop trying to discourage me from what meager attempt I am making.  Also, if you know a good place where I can buy Nutella in bulk, that would really help me out.

New Friend

Are you lonely and sad? Do you spend hours practicing ventriloquism so you can have someone to talk to?  

Are the only two numbers in your phone's contact list "#MINS" and "Fast Wok"?  

That used to be me too. Well, not really.  That's just pathetic.  I did, however, recently find myself in a situation where I needed to make a complete new set of intimate acquaintances.  This led to the development of a fool-proof system to make and keep friends!  The complete set of 13 DVDs and 9 leatherbound volumes can now be yours for only $199.99 + shipping!  (Shipping cost ranges from $149-699 based on location.)

Guess what, New Friend!  Order today and you'll get that free travel mug to use as you rush out to your many adventures with the awesome new entourage my system will yield for you!

And they will!!!!

Right now you're thinking: "But that sounds too good to be true! Last time I made friends, it cost me ten times that, and I didn't even get a complimentary travel mug!"

If you are thinking that, then join me in a visualization exercise:

Imagine yourself on a serene tropical beach. The white soft sand is warm under your feet, and a gentle ocean breeze blows through your hair. What's that sound? Ah, it's a distant horn from a passing ship.

All around you there is the pleasing white noise of the surf and the scent of tanning oil and sea salt,

hearkening back to the days of childhood.

Now I walk up to you. Is that a pina colada in my hand? Am I extending it to you?

NO! I'M HERE TO THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR THINKING THIS AWESOME DEAL IS "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!"

YOU GET A FACE FULL OF MY FROZEN ISLAND BEVERAGE!

For those of you who still have lingering doubts about my system's "legitimacy", I encourage you to try the following tips, exclusive to blog-readers and totally free of charge!!!!!

1. Give your prospective soul mate a try-out.  Everyone loves a chance to be evaluated!  A midnight visit to his or her home while you sob uncontrollably is often a fine litmus test, an opportunity for the candidate to demonstrate both emotional fortitude and physical stamina. The less intelligible your ramblings, the better.  Add to the fun and excitement by "accidentally" dropping several empty prescription bottles from your purse, or perhaps lighting something on fire. 
2. Walk a mile in her shoes.  This can be as easy as sleeping with her boyfriend or kidnapping a few of her children for a week or so.  If your prospect is a male, achieving empathy can be as simple as replicating a few of his outfits in exhaustive detail and wearing them when you two go out together.  All of these gestures showcase your personal devotion as well as how far you are willing to go to TRULY understand the other person.  Who wouldn't respond positively to that?
3. Never say never.  So it seems that the two of you are not getting along so well and quite possibly you have nothing in common.  Maybe the monthly pledge you make to National Public Radio clashes with his Confederate flag tattoo.  Don't give up!  Forcing a continued friendship with someone who hates everything about you is perhaps the BEST way to prove that you are in it in win it. Some of my most satisfying relationships are held together, not with shared interests and knowing glances, but with mutual hostility and leg irons.  

You're welcome.

I know, I know, you're feeling unworthy of all of this.  The travel mug, the free pearls of wisdom--what did you do to deserve such favor?  But there's more.

Take a moment to peruse just a sampling of the topics and techniques you can become fluent in by the end of the 36-week introductory period:

• Personality Mirroring and You
• Nurturing a Sense of Obligation
• The Facebook Ninja
• How to Choose the Right Inappropriately Expensive Gift
• "If you hang up, I will kill myself!!!" and other Hilarious Quips

The knowledge contained in these volumes and instructional videos REALLY changes lives.  It can change yours too, but you don't have to take my word for it.  See celebrity commentary here.  

So you see? The evidence is there. The testimony is there.  The solution to your pitiful friendless state is just a phone call away!  Call now! 

The Moist Mistake

     I was recently asked a question regarding unspoken codes that must be followed in order to live in civilization.

     Specifically, the query addressed how to handle a situation in which you know a hug is expected, even demanded by societal conventions, but you are perspiring to a point that you consider yourself to be offensive.

    I will address this issue and many others for your pleasure and to protect you from sweat-related social pariah-dom.

Factors to consider:

1. Why?  Stress?  Heat? Exercise? The cause of the seepage has a drastic impact on the level of acceptance you should expect from those around you.  It's totally okay to be drenched if you just finished a rousing game of rugby.  Having dirt and grass stains all over you helps, too.  On the other hand, if you are in an elevator that you entered completely dry, and by the 4th floor your forehead is bejeweled with beads of nervousness, that is no good. 
2. Where?  Point of origin is key here. (Only applicable if the cause of the perspiration is NOT exercise, in which case all is well. See above.)  A person who is otherwise dry and fresh may flag down a taxi to reveal an unexpected underarm situation.  Even worse is random cranial excretions, as they often result in much swabbing with napkins or paper towels, and this is just across the board disgusting.  Go to the men's room and splash come cold water on your face. Make this end. 
3. Who?  I don't make the rules, I just follow them. That being said, if you are good looking and relatively fit, society will go much easier on you here than if you are morbidly obese or otherwise unpleasant to look upon.  For the latter, it is generally assumed that your perspiration is somehow related to your body type, and whether it is true or not, opinions are formed. Stigmas are attached.  Stereotypes are reinforced. Even if you saw a sweaty overweight person on The Biggest Loser, running a marathon, about to cross the finish line, you'd still think they were sweating because they are fat.  THEY ARE RUNNING A FREAKING MARATHON!. Anyone would be sweaty. But like I said, I don't make the rules.

Another thing to keep in mind when you ARE all damp and the situation DOES call for socially required human contact: Please, PLEASE do not verbalize your predicament. It makes everyone so much more uncomfortable. (Again, this does not apply to exercise or sports-related situations.)  There should be no  advance-apologies such as "I would love to hug you but my back is soaking wet," or the dreaded "I'd shake your hand, but my palms are all sweaty." NO. Just do the handshake or the hug and let the chips fall where they may. The average person will be much more forgiving of a slightly damp handshake than they will of your embarrassing personal confession.

There's always the possibility that this is all just me, but I doubt it.  If it is just me, then please follow these rules when you are around me, and we will all get along just fine.

The Pregnant Dog Phenomenon and some other stuff like it

You wanted a whole post about the animal nipples, and I cannot say that I blame you.  That is a hilarious topic.  Since I am pretty sure that it will not support an entire post, especially since the you already have the basic idea of the animal nipple situation based on yesterday's excerpt from my chat with Jarett, I shall expound on it a bit and tell you a few other things that make me feel very weird and paranoid for no reason.

You-Know-What

 

I feel guilty even posting that picture.  Please do not think that I get my kicks watching puppies suckling.  My original thought was to post a picture of a pregnant dog so that I could accurately convey my message, but I felt like a creeper google imaging that, so instead it just looks like I have some sort of problem with adorable puppies.  The point is that I KNOW WHAT THE PUPPIES ARE HIDING, which is namely weird mother dog nipples.  Whenever such things are near to me, which thankfully is not often, I tend to pretend something else fascinating suddenly caught my attention, so as not to seem unduly mesmerized by the unavoidable spectacle of animal teats placed before me.  

Innocent Friend:  "Look Chloe!  The dog just had puppies!"

Me: "Did you guys notice how smooth this wallpaper is?  It's like glass! But it's paper!"

Ignoring Someone's Call

Let me preface this by saying that if we are friends and I call you and text you regularly, I probably have never ignored you when you called me.  In fact, I was probably so happy that you were calling that I dropped my phone about ten times in the excitement and practically drove off the side of the road trying to answer.  I'm cool like that.

No, the people who's calls I ignore are the ones who I either never want to talk to or I find it tiring to talk to.  Usually, if not always, these people also live hundreds or even thousands of miles away.  This fact somehow does not stop my brain from telling my nerves that, because I looked at my phone, hit the "END" button, and put it back down, the caller is suddenly, not at the opposite end of the country, but in the car next to me at the light.  I picture a surprise visitor, just flown in and waving enthusiastically through the car window while waiting for me to pick up. Their waving slows down and their smile contorts into a horrible grimace as they watch me ignore them, willfully, almost with pleasure. 

Even being within the confines of my home does not prevent me from feeling this instant paranoia/guilt.  Are you at my front door?  Can you see through my walls?  ARE YOU ALREADY IN THE HOUSE?  Oh yeah, no.  You are in A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.  Fail.

We Need to Talk.....Later

This is the most terrifying thing you can say to me.  Worst case scenario, the reason you are saying this is that you personally are bothered by something and you would like to share that with me in a traumatic fashion.  The slow torturous conversation that you have in mind will not fit into your currently available time, but you want me to know that it is coming. When? How? Why? These are questions best answered randomly and according to your discretion.  What we do know for sure is that I have been robbed of my ability to blithely go about my day, and instead I shall spend the next however-many-hours-you-see-fit crapping a brick and mentally replaying every moment in our relationship to see where I went wrong and what egg of displeasure you are about to crack on me.

Best case scenario, you do not understand the proper use of this phraseology and just want my recipe for cupcakes or to tell me how my new throw pillows brightened your day.  Either way, screw you.  If you have something to say, say it.

It will bring me great comfort if at least one of you comments that one or all three of these phenomena are familiar to you, but I doubt it.  I'm sure that all of this can be traced back to some childhood dysfunction, but this is not an episode of Mad About You, so let's just not analyze it. 

(::::::)

Okay so I know I stopped writing my blog, but you guys check it out. Today I was chatting with new friend and here's a snippet:

me: yeah animal teats disturb me greatly


Jarett: Haha

me: i avoid visual contact with them at all costs

Jarett: Yes.  Especially like, a week after a dog gives birth.  And they like, drag on the ground.
And the dog seems to not even notice.
 
me:  I just avoid looking because i think people will accuse me of being some sort of pervert.

"ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT DOG'S NIPPLES????"
"THE ONES THAT LOOK PAINFULLY DISTENDED?"

Jarett: "YOU MUST BE A FURRY!"  Then they hold up a cross at you.

me: Hahahahah right. Not writing my blog is making me say a lot of things in normal chat that should not be said.  I think I'll write a post about this.  
 
Okay. I got a piece of paper and wrote: "animal titties".  Where have I gone wrong in life?

Jarett: I would hide that paper if I were you.

me: I am a person who writes "animal titties" on a scrap of paper and puts it in my purse for safe keeping!
 
Jarett: Bahahaha. Get going on that post.   You should definitely title it: (::::)
 
So as you can see, it is going to be impossible for me to NOT write my blog.  I realize that most of the humor in this post came from Jarett, but I promise to be more independant in the next one. 
 
P.S. That emoticon for a pregnant dog was Allie's idea in this post on Hyperbole and a Half. 

Announcement

Hello to all 16 of you who follow my blog.  I really appreciate it.  I love you guys. 

Lately reactions to the blog have been causing me more grief than it's worth, so I'm going to stop doing it.

That's the announcement.

If you still want to talk to me and have interesting conversations about stuff that's happening with you, I hope we can be friends in real life.

Chloe

The Joys and Sorrows of Being Friends with Boys

Over the years I have learned that I have certain limitations when it comes to friendship.  That is to say, I can't deal with drama and have trouble tip-toing around people and their little quirks and insecurities.  As a side point, I am rife with quirks, insecurities and drama, and I require that people deal with me.  That reduces my friend choices drastically to 1) an interesting and awesome subset of rare females and 2) almost every male on the planet.

It's not as if I think this is okay.  I'm trying to work on my flaws so that some day all the peoples of the world will want to be my best friend, but that is a slow process, and until then I need people to listen to my crap.  Don't take it the wrong way--I love listening to their crap as well, but it seems like everyone has their crap much more together than I do.  Which leaves me the one doling out the majority of the crap. CRAP.

The females who manage to put up with me to the point of the closeness of sisters are truly to be applauded for their fortitude.  I have most likely been mean to them, tried to make out with them, made horrible jokes at their expense, and cried for extended periods of time on the phone with them while they were trying to get some sleep. 

For you boys, I have mixed feelings.  I thought it might help to make a brief list of pros and cons.  If cons win, you can pack your bags.

Cons:

1. You talk about what just happened in the bathroom.  That's no good.  I despise any mention of bowel movements.  You talk about them ALL THE TIME. You talk to each other about the size. the shape, the frequency. This makes me die on the inside.  Who can find you attractive when you speak of such things?
2. You quote South Park AD NAUSEUM. I like that show, too, but it's almost as if you purposely choose the most unattractive dialogue of the show to repeat over and over.  Please stop. It makes me unattracted to you as a group.
3. You are really, really terrible at cleaning up.  I know for sure because I've asked you to do this on many occasions, and each time you made the mess worse.  How, I don't know.  But you did. You suck at cleaning up.
4. I'm constantly terrified that you will find someone you like better than me.  Who needs Cuppycake when you find someone hotter and smarter that you can also make out with? 

Pros:

1. My crazy behavior often goes un noticed by you, as you are busy focusing on maybe my butt or whether you can see my nipples through my top.  What's even better is when one of my special unterus-possessing friends is present, in which case I can act completely insane because there are twice as many tops to look down and thighs to ogle.  I think that if the Unibomber had boobs, society would have been inclined to overlook things, chalking it up to the stress of being so awesome.
2. Most women enter the home of another woman and start taking dilligent notes of their surroundings, estimating when last the ceiling fans were dusted and mentally rearranging the furniture.  I can depend on you guys never notice such mundane details.  I could drag all my furniture to the center of the living room and light it on fire, then sprinkle the contents of the cat box to and fro throughout the rest of my home, and but since neither of these activities interfere with drinking beer or playing video games, you wouln't say a word in judgment. 
3. You are cute and often adorable to look upon. This especially applies when you are angry about something that really you shouldn't be angry about, perhaps some perceived injustice such as the Yankees sweeping the Sox, or maybe you spilled your beer or got pee on your shorts. 
4. Very little mental effort is involved in our relationships.  The emotional exhertion normally necessary in a female friendship is replaced by the occasional physical laor of baking cupcakes or doing your laundry.  These tasks are much more manageable than attempting to successfully navigate the estrogen-laden social obstacle course of a baby shower or "girls' night" on the town.  I choose cupcakes!

So I guess we are at a stalemate.  But come to think of it, who the hell cares how bad you are at cleaning up?  I can do my own freaking dishes.