The Pregnant Dog Phenomenon and some other stuff like it

You wanted a whole post about the animal nipples, and I cannot say that I blame you.  That is a hilarious topic.  Since I am pretty sure that it will not support an entire post, especially since the you already have the basic idea of the animal nipple situation based on yesterday's excerpt from my chat with Jarett, I shall expound on it a bit and tell you a few other things that make me feel very weird and paranoid for no reason.

You-Know-What

 

I feel guilty even posting that picture.  Please do not think that I get my kicks watching puppies suckling.  My original thought was to post a picture of a pregnant dog so that I could accurately convey my message, but I felt like a creeper google imaging that, so instead it just looks like I have some sort of problem with adorable puppies.  The point is that I KNOW WHAT THE PUPPIES ARE HIDING, which is namely weird mother dog nipples.  Whenever such things are near to me, which thankfully is not often, I tend to pretend something else fascinating suddenly caught my attention, so as not to seem unduly mesmerized by the unavoidable spectacle of animal teats placed before me.  

Innocent Friend:  "Look Chloe!  The dog just had puppies!"

Me: "Did you guys notice how smooth this wallpaper is?  It's like glass! But it's paper!"

Ignoring Someone's Call

Let me preface this by saying that if we are friends and I call you and text you regularly, I probably have never ignored you when you called me.  In fact, I was probably so happy that you were calling that I dropped my phone about ten times in the excitement and practically drove off the side of the road trying to answer.  I'm cool like that.

No, the people who's calls I ignore are the ones who I either never want to talk to or I find it tiring to talk to.  Usually, if not always, these people also live hundreds or even thousands of miles away.  This fact somehow does not stop my brain from telling my nerves that, because I looked at my phone, hit the "END" button, and put it back down, the caller is suddenly, not at the opposite end of the country, but in the car next to me at the light.  I picture a surprise visitor, just flown in and waving enthusiastically through the car window while waiting for me to pick up. Their waving slows down and their smile contorts into a horrible grimace as they watch me ignore them, willfully, almost with pleasure. 

Even being within the confines of my home does not prevent me from feeling this instant paranoia/guilt.  Are you at my front door?  Can you see through my walls?  ARE YOU ALREADY IN THE HOUSE?  Oh yeah, no.  You are in A TOTALLY DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.  Fail.

We Need to Talk.....Later

This is the most terrifying thing you can say to me.  Worst case scenario, the reason you are saying this is that you personally are bothered by something and you would like to share that with me in a traumatic fashion.  The slow torturous conversation that you have in mind will not fit into your currently available time, but you want me to know that it is coming. When? How? Why? These are questions best answered randomly and according to your discretion.  What we do know for sure is that I have been robbed of my ability to blithely go about my day, and instead I shall spend the next however-many-hours-you-see-fit crapping a brick and mentally replaying every moment in our relationship to see where I went wrong and what egg of displeasure you are about to crack on me.

Best case scenario, you do not understand the proper use of this phraseology and just want my recipe for cupcakes or to tell me how my new throw pillows brightened your day.  Either way, screw you.  If you have something to say, say it.

It will bring me great comfort if at least one of you comments that one or all three of these phenomena are familiar to you, but I doubt it.  I'm sure that all of this can be traced back to some childhood dysfunction, but this is not an episode of Mad About You, so let's just not analyze it.