The Moist Mistake

     I was recently asked a question regarding unspoken codes that must be followed in order to live in civilization.

     Specifically, the query addressed how to handle a situation in which you know a hug is expected, even demanded by societal conventions, but you are perspiring to a point that you consider yourself to be offensive.

    I will address this issue and many others for your pleasure and to protect you from sweat-related social pariah-dom.

Factors to consider:

1. Why?  Stress?  Heat? Exercise? The cause of the seepage has a drastic impact on the level of acceptance you should expect from those around you.  It's totally okay to be drenched if you just finished a rousing game of rugby.  Having dirt and grass stains all over you helps, too.  On the other hand, if you are in an elevator that you entered completely dry, and by the 4th floor your forehead is bejeweled with beads of nervousness, that is no good. 
2. Where?  Point of origin is key here. (Only applicable if the cause of the perspiration is NOT exercise, in which case all is well. See above.)  A person who is otherwise dry and fresh may flag down a taxi to reveal an unexpected underarm situation.  Even worse is random cranial excretions, as they often result in much swabbing with napkins or paper towels, and this is just across the board disgusting.  Go to the men's room and splash come cold water on your face. Make this end. 
3. Who?  I don't make the rules, I just follow them. That being said, if you are good looking and relatively fit, society will go much easier on you here than if you are morbidly obese or otherwise unpleasant to look upon.  For the latter, it is generally assumed that your perspiration is somehow related to your body type, and whether it is true or not, opinions are formed. Stigmas are attached.  Stereotypes are reinforced. Even if you saw a sweaty overweight person on The Biggest Loser, running a marathon, about to cross the finish line, you'd still think they were sweating because they are fat.  THEY ARE RUNNING A FREAKING MARATHON!. Anyone would be sweaty. But like I said, I don't make the rules.

Another thing to keep in mind when you ARE all damp and the situation DOES call for socially required human contact: Please, PLEASE do not verbalize your predicament. It makes everyone so much more uncomfortable. (Again, this does not apply to exercise or sports-related situations.)  There should be no  advance-apologies such as "I would love to hug you but my back is soaking wet," or the dreaded "I'd shake your hand, but my palms are all sweaty." NO. Just do the handshake or the hug and let the chips fall where they may. The average person will be much more forgiving of a slightly damp handshake than they will of your embarrassing personal confession.

There's always the possibility that this is all just me, but I doubt it.  If it is just me, then please follow these rules when you are around me, and we will all get along just fine.