New Friend

Are you lonely and sad? Do you spend hours practicing ventriloquism so you can have someone to talk to?  

Are the only two numbers in your phone's contact list "#MINS" and "Fast Wok"?  

That used to be me too. Well, not really.  That's just pathetic.  I did, however, recently find myself in a situation where I needed to make a complete new set of intimate acquaintances.  This led to the development of a fool-proof system to make and keep friends!  The complete set of 13 DVDs and 9 leatherbound volumes can now be yours for only $199.99 + shipping!  (Shipping cost ranges from $149-699 based on location.)

Guess what, New Friend!  Order today and you'll get that free travel mug to use as you rush out to your many adventures with the awesome new entourage my system will yield for you!

And they will!!!!

Right now you're thinking: "But that sounds too good to be true! Last time I made friends, it cost me ten times that, and I didn't even get a complimentary travel mug!"

If you are thinking that, then join me in a visualization exercise:

Imagine yourself on a serene tropical beach. The white soft sand is warm under your feet, and a gentle ocean breeze blows through your hair. What's that sound? Ah, it's a distant horn from a passing ship.

All around you there is the pleasing white noise of the surf and the scent of tanning oil and sea salt,

hearkening back to the days of childhood.

Now I walk up to you. Is that a pina colada in my hand? Am I extending it to you?

NO! I'M HERE TO THROW IT IN YOUR FACE!

THAT'S WHAT YOU GET FOR THINKING THIS AWESOME DEAL IS "TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!"

YOU GET A FACE FULL OF MY FROZEN ISLAND BEVERAGE!

For those of you who still have lingering doubts about my system's "legitimacy", I encourage you to try the following tips, exclusive to blog-readers and totally free of charge!!!!!

1. Give your prospective soul mate a try-out.  Everyone loves a chance to be evaluated!  A midnight visit to his or her home while you sob uncontrollably is often a fine litmus test, an opportunity for the candidate to demonstrate both emotional fortitude and physical stamina. The less intelligible your ramblings, the better.  Add to the fun and excitement by "accidentally" dropping several empty prescription bottles from your purse, or perhaps lighting something on fire. 
2. Walk a mile in her shoes.  This can be as easy as sleeping with her boyfriend or kidnapping a few of her children for a week or so.  If your prospect is a male, achieving empathy can be as simple as replicating a few of his outfits in exhaustive detail and wearing them when you two go out together.  All of these gestures showcase your personal devotion as well as how far you are willing to go to TRULY understand the other person.  Who wouldn't respond positively to that?
3. Never say never.  So it seems that the two of you are not getting along so well and quite possibly you have nothing in common.  Maybe the monthly pledge you make to National Public Radio clashes with his Confederate flag tattoo.  Don't give up!  Forcing a continued friendship with someone who hates everything about you is perhaps the BEST way to prove that you are in it in win it. Some of my most satisfying relationships are held together, not with shared interests and knowing glances, but with mutual hostility and leg irons.  

You're welcome.

I know, I know, you're feeling unworthy of all of this.  The travel mug, the free pearls of wisdom--what did you do to deserve such favor?  But there's more.

Take a moment to peruse just a sampling of the topics and techniques you can become fluent in by the end of the 36-week introductory period:

• Personality Mirroring and You
• Nurturing a Sense of Obligation
• The Facebook Ninja
• How to Choose the Right Inappropriately Expensive Gift
• "If you hang up, I will kill myself!!!" and other Hilarious Quips

The knowledge contained in these volumes and instructional videos REALLY changes lives.  It can change yours too, but you don't have to take my word for it.  See celebrity commentary here.  

So you see? The evidence is there. The testimony is there.  The solution to your pitiful friendless state is just a phone call away!  Call now!