Why I Am the Best Driver of All the Drivers

Everyone thinks that they are awesome at driving. Unfortunately, they are all wrong. Living in Jacksonville has taught me that I am the best driver in the world for the following reasons:

1) The Four-Way Stop
The city of Jacksonville has a "Gaze out the window at the beautiful sunshine and think about your future" Day every year. Unfortunately, it seems to coincide exactly with the day they teach about four-way stops in drivers' ed. The problem for me is that I cannot go out of turn, no matter how spaced out and/or confused the other drivers are. If they don't realize it's their turn to go, then I should just drive on and laugh to those in my car with me, saying "Today we rule the intersection as kings!" But I can't. I feel too guilty to break the code of the blinking red light, and therefore everyone must pay.

2) The Left Turn Yield on Green
When I was learning to drive, I brought my parents' Ford Taurus wagon to a stop behind the line at a busy intersection, put my left blinker on, and waited patiently for a break in oncoming traffic so that I could turn. This act of weakness cost me a lifetime of parental love and approval. For all the Jacksonville natives who do not know how to properly handle the "left turn yield on green" scenario, I'll break it down for you, in much the same way that my dad explained it to me: Pull up into the middle of the intersection with your left blinker on. This way, if there is no break in traffic, you will be forced to turn left when the light turns red. Unless of course you have no desire to ever get to your destination.

3) The Parking Lot
Arrows can be complicated. Sometimes there is a huge yellow arrow on the pavement pointing north, and somehow driving south just feels right. I admit, I have slipped up once or twice in the old Publix shopping center, accidentally going the wrong way down a one-way lane. It was a moment filled with shame and self-loathing. My eyes pleaded with each person I passed "Please forgive me! I'm not a bad person!" I think my reaction was appropriate to the crime I had committed. Often I am on the other side of that situation, and I am surprised at how many people give ME a dirty look, as if I have offended them by driving in the proper direction and thus taking up valuable driving space. Dirty looks and revving engines are par for the course in this type of scenario, and it could easily escalate into a strange game of Chicken. The best way around it is to just not go to the supermarket.