Why are you like this???

Men:  You are great!  You have many redeeming qualities and I enjoy spending time with you.  However, there are three things that I would like for you, as a group, to work on changing.  Preferably, these changes should be sudden, drastic, and free of future relapses.  Thank you.

1. You like really really really really boring things.  Golf on TV?  One-player video games?  Reading articles online about features on cell phones you don't even OWN?  I don't mind being ignored in pursuit of other interesting or worthwhile endeavors, but I can't help but be annoyed when doing something with me is passed up in favor of reorganizing the hard drive on the computer or spending hours in Guitar Center comparing two pieces of unaffordable band equipment.  So. Boring.
2. Any degree of stress instantly renders you unfit for human contact. As females, we tend to take certain things in stride. Speeding ticket? It happens. Let us pray, however, that it happens to us and not to you, because you will be unbearably grouchy for about ten years afterward.  Obviously women have a bad reputation for a tendency toward "moodiness", but while the masculine bad mood may be less frequent, it is much more unpleasant due to both duration and severity.  Why do you think we invented cupcakes?
3. You lose weight in like 2 seconds. I have eaten Special K cereal and cauliflower with hummus for months on end. I have spent hours and hours at the gym giving myself shin splints and sweating until I smelled like a dead hooker.  Still, my weight remains the same.  You, on the other hand, go from Yeungling to Yeungling LIGHT for three weeks and lose 7 pounds.  I hate you.  The worst part of the whole thing is that you probably just switched beers to see what would happen, because you LOVE your body just the way it is.  

You make me sick.